It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
You Might Also Like
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The Sun
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
choose your gary
pizza
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.