*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
no refunds
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
These 3D printers are insane!
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Put this video in the Louvre
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.