ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
me hitting on a model
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.