My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
no refunds
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.