[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
hackers play passwordle
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it