I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When I snag the last meatball.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.