My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car