Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests