If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
😂😂
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Good morning!