It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”