Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
never compromise your values
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose