I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.