PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny