I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.