sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Stop.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
#StillHurts
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
and now we wait