Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*