pep talk
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi