[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
B
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield