I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off