“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory