[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.