I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
That’s incredible! 👌
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Classic German Shepherd 😂