Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
#oldknees
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?