“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Yup
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣