Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
when mom throws a party…
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom