How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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Dietest Coke
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
No laws when master is gone
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity