you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
This checks out
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The first one, obviously
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”