Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
new shirt idea
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.