People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My dog ate my work from home.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
scared to check what name she chose
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”