I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs