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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Realize this:
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
is this a threat
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years