Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later