11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
water it, i dare you
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it