Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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If the police don鈥檛 escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Don鈥檛 be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don鈥檛 please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn鈥檛 big and far away, what if it鈥檚 close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn鈥檛.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I鈥檓 going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where鈥檚 my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he鈥檇 still love me if I was a worm.
Someone鈥檚 hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.