“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.