If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
HR said no more nunchucks.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!