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guys i’ve cracked the code
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in