So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here