waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.