I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
🤔😂😂
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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