I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You Might Also Like
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.