*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets