I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
a public service announcement
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.