I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
peak technology
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing