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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.