(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus