Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*