Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.