I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”