I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Worth the read.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.